Feel My Love Read online

  Copyright© 2013 by Ashley Johnson

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  All songs, song titles and lyrics contained in this book are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.

  Cover art by Stephanie Nelson of Once Upon a Time Covers.

  Prologue

  Brynn

  This day just can’t seem to get worse, can it? This is the question no one should ever ask, because when you do ask, things can seem to get worse. I ran out of gas on the way to school this morning and was late to my much needed study group for my math class, I stepped in a mud puddle and ruined my brand new pair of white tennis shoes, and to top it all off, I just saw my boyfriend of over a year with his tongue down another girl’s throat outside of the science building that I just walked out of.

  Well, that last part doesn’t faze me anymore; it’s one of the many times I’ve caught my scumbag boyfriend, Jake, making out with the same girl who used to be one of my closest girlfriends in high school. I have thought to myself so many times that I should break up with him, but I know it would crush him, and my parents, if I did.

  Jake has already asked my father if he could marry me and my father happily agreed, because who wouldn’t want their daughter to marry the mayor’s son, even if he is a cheating piece of shit. “That would be huge for us to be able to call his family in-laws” my mother had said, constantly worrying about our family’s image.

  All I could do was plaster on the brightest smile I could muster and walk away.

  I never dreamt my life would be like this, in fact my dreams were completely opposite of what my parents wanted for me. I was going to leave this place the second I graduated high school. I was going to work in a crime lab. I was going to be married to Ryan, my best friend and the man of my dreams, and wait until we were at least thirty before we had kids so that we could see the world together.

  My biggest downfall, though, was that I was raised to do for others. I am the worst kind of people pleaser, to the point I have put everything I want on the back burner so that I could fulfill others’ ideas of how my life should be.

  I am at this in-state college because my parents told me to stay home and wait for Jake to be ready to propose. I work a meaningless job as a cashier at the local grocery store so that it will be “an easy job to quit when the time comes to have babies”, those being my father’s words.

  It’s the last week of my first semester of college. I really wanted to go to a school out of state and have a different experience than everyone else around me, but my parents and my boyfriend wouldn’t hear of it. In this little hell hole of a town I’m from, and with the old fashioned family I have, women are seen and not heard.

  You go to church every Sunday.

  You stay out of trouble.

  You are allowed to go to college, but only until you get married, and then you focus all of your attention on your husband’s success and stay home to have a bunch of rug rats.

  It’s like being stuck in the nineteenth century all over again. Just thinking of the outcome of my future makes me cringe, luckily I still have my best friend, Ryan, to help talk me through this joke of a life.

  I hear my cell phone beep, signaling an incoming text, in my backpack so I move to the side of the walkway and put it down on the sidewalk to fish my phone out. After I tuck a lock of my long brown hair behind my ear and push my aviator sunglasses up to the top of my head, I pull my phone out I see that it’s a text from Ryan.

  Ryan: The wife is mad that we keep talking. Says she’ll leave me if I keep texting you. I’m so sorry Brynnie, but stop texting me.

  What? How could he? My mouth drops open and tears prick the corners of my eyes. Ryan has been my best friend since the third grade and the man I’ve secretly been in love with for about five years. All I can do is glare at the text that I just received from my now ex-best friend, Ryan, in disbelief.

  Ryan’s new wife, Amber, is the worst type of person. They’ve been married for a month now and since their quickie wedding, I’ve gone from talking to my best friend at least twice a day to a hand full of times in a month.

  Ryan asked her to marry him because Amber found out she was barely pregnant about five weeks after we started college. Ryan suspected her of poking holes in the condoms he was using so that she could get pregnant, but was given quite a few guilt trips and ultimatums from family members to do the “honorable” thing and marry her as quickly as possible.

  I glance around to see if anyone on campus is looking at me while I openly weep, and then look back to the text when I notice that the campus grounds are mostly empty. I push my sunglasses back down to cover my blue, smeared, make-up covered eyes and shove my cell phone into the pocket of my light purple Roxy hoodie.

  This day has reached an all time low.

  What the hell am I supposed to do now?

  It’s right then that I snap. That’s it! That text was the last nail in the coffin for me. I could have kept going the rest of the day, perhaps my life, hating everything but holding it all in because this is what was planned out for me, but losing my best friend for the stupidest reason ever is the last straw.

  I can’t keep living my life like this; I will end up just miserable and drinking myself into oblivion when no one is watching-like my mother does. I square my shoulders, pick up my backpack and start heading toward my car in the parking lot. I’m already late for my last class, so I might as well go home and decide what I really want to do with my life.

  I don’t want to marry that cheating bastard Jake. I don’t want to quit school. I want to live and enjoy my life, not throw it down the drain at the age of nineteen.

  Since it is the last week of the semester, I know exactly what I am going to do. I drive home and apply to as many out of state colleges as I can think of, and with my grades, I will most likely get in. I don’t care where I end up going. The first school to send me an acceptance letter is where I would choose to go.

  Next, I call my cheating boyfriend that I have been dating for a year and tell him that we need to talk. I have never really loved him, and caught him cheating on me after two months of us dating, but didn’t ever want to hurt him by breaking it off or endure the never ending shit storm that would fly at me from my parents when I did. He had gone around telling all of our friends that he was going to marry me, after all, and that’s a promise you just don’t break.

  An hour later, I meet my soon to be ex-boyfriend at an ice cream shop down the street from his house.

  “I don’t understand, Brynn. We are supposed to get married.” Jake just stares at me like I have grown an extra head, but still has the confidence in his voice and a shine in his big brown eyes that says he knows I won’t have the guts to follow through with it. I give him a half a smile and study him for a moment.

  Jake has beautiful tan skin, but it looks a bit orange because he bleaches his short spiky hair, which has enough gel in it to turn his hair into a lethal weapon if he leans down, to an unnatural blonde. He is on the shorter side at about five foot seven, but he’s decently built; not really muscular, but not wimpy either.

  He is not the type of man I ever saw myself dating, let alone getting married to. I stare at him and wonder how I ever ended up with him. “I’m
not happy, Jake. This isn’t what I wanted from my life and I don’t want this life that my parents have planned for me. I never wanted to hurt you, but I’m not in love with you and I want you to find someone that loves you as much as you love them. Perhaps you can go ask Melanie if she’ll marry you. I saw your hands all over her and your tongue in her mouth this morning at school.” I scoff, inwardly reeling as I watch his face pale.

  I stand from the booth we are sitting at, ready to walk away. I take one last look at Jake who has the most confused look on his face. Before I can take my first step, he grabs my hand tightly and lets out one sarcastic laugh before he says “Are you fucking kidding me, Brynn? You are my girlfriend and I’m going to marry you. You are the world to me and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and have kids with you. How can you just throw away a year like it was nothing?” I can only let my head fall back and laugh sarcastically at his remark.

  Of course he isn’t going to deny making out with Melanie this morning. I look to the ground, shaking my head from side to side slowly while I try to calm my rage.

  After pulling my arm away from him and taking a deep breath, I say “I didn’t throw away a year, Jake. You threw it all away a long time ago when you started fucking around with other girls behind my back.” Jake’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline; he’s never heard me swear before, but I’m pissed and not about to hold anything back now. I decide to hit him with a low blow.

  “I won’t marry a cheating asshole; worrying about if you’re really staying late at the office or if you’re at the motel with another woman. By the way, tell Melanie I said thanks for being such a wonderful friend by making sure that the inside of your mouth was thoroughly cleaned this morning.” Jake looks at his folded hands on top of the table and sniffs like he was about to cry. In that moment I think about caving, but know that it if I do, my life will be horrible. If I don’t do it now, I will never get the guts to do it, so I decide to turn around and leave without looking back.

  Now I just need to figure out what to do about Ryan. I text him one last time and ask him to come to my house so that we can talk about his text and how easily he is casting me out of his life. Ten minutes later Ryan knocks on the front door. I don’t let him in, but instead I walk past him outside and we sit on the front steps of my porch for a few minutes before either one of us says anything.

  I study his profile while we sit in silence; strong square jaw, toned body, tan skin, perfect straight nose, long dark eyelashes covering his light blue eyes, and medium blonde hair that reaches his shoulders and curls at the ends. He looks like he could be a surfer.

  “I can’t stay long. Amber thinks I’m out getting her ice cream.” Ryan mutters, fiddling with his car keys, his hands between long legs with his elbows resting on his knees. I let out a loud huff of air and shake my head before practically screaming at him.

  “What the fuck, Chuck! Why are you throwing me out like I’m last night’s garbage?” I hear my voice crack but I’m trying to keep my emotions in check, because I know I will cry. I look over at Ryan, willing him to look at me and give me an honest answer, but he refuses to look up at me.

  “Brynn, I know this sucks. I don’t want to do this, but Amber is really sensitive right now since she’s pregnant and she thinks that I’m going to leave her for you. She doesn’t like me talking to you, so for now I need you to stay away; no texting, no calling, no coming over. Just for a little while, you know. Maybe she’ll lighten up after this baby is born and you and I can go back to the way things used to be.”

  I am furious by the time he finishes his sentence. My hands are clenched into fists and I’m gritting my teeth so hard I think I may crack a few of them. I shake my head and stand up, but Ryan still won’t make eye contact, so I’m forced to scream at the back of his head.

  “You know what, Ryan, fuck you! You can’t just pick and choose when you want me to be in your life. I’m so sick of everyone thinking that I’m just going to stick around and wait to do what they ask me to. If you want to throw away your best friend of eleven years so that you don’t accidentally step on Princess Amber’s pretty glass heart then so be it, but I won’t be here waiting for you to talk to me again. Thanks for ending our friendship with the awesome text, by the way. It was the perfect ending to my day. Go get your wife’s fucking ice cream before she suspects that you were out talking to me.”

  I walk into my house and slam the front door, visibly upset but mentally thanking him for sending me that text that caused me to snap and make a change in my life. I leave Ryan sitting on my front steps with his head in his hands without a backward glance.

  Chapter 1

  Eight Years Later

  Brynn

  “Oh shit!” That’s the only thing I can sputter out of my mouth when I see a flash of blue in my peripheral vision and pull my handlebars quickly to the left trying to avoid whatever it was that darted in front of my bike. Right after this, I stupidly hit the brakes and go ass over tea kettle above the handle bars of my bicycle.

  I knew I wasn’t paying attention while I rode my bike down the pier. I was looking at all of the giant naval ships that sit in the bay. Even after moving to San Diego eight years ago, they are still magnificent and I can’t help but marvel at them, wondering what my four year old nephew would say if he could see them.

  After a second of lying on the ground, making sure I can still move my limbs, I stand up; throwing my long dark brown hair back over my shoulder and turning my attention to the person I just about killed with my pink bicycle.

  “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. Are you alright? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” All I can see is a man, perhaps around my age, in a light blue v-neck t-shirt, khaki cargo shorts and brown flip flops sitting on the pier.

  He has his knees drawn up, toned and muscled arms resting over his knees, and his head with buzzed medium blonde hair looking down in between his legs. Even balled up on the ground, I can see that this man is anything but wimpy.

  “Did I hurt you? I’m so, so sorry!” I say, waiting to hear a reply from him. He is quiet for so long I think he must really be hurt, but then he shakes his head a few times.

  “Brynn? Brynn Harris?” his muffled voice finally says. I crook my head to the side and lift a brow, trying to think of different people I know with that haircut and body build. Maybe I met him at a frat party in college, or at the bar?

  Somehow this man I almost killed with a frilly pink bicycle knows my name. How is that possible? I can’t think of who this person is, until he decides to look up and I am pinned with a bright set of blue eyes.

  It’s Ryan.

  I take a step back and put my hand to my mouth to try to hide my gasp, but am unsuccessful.

  “Ryan? Is that you?” I am rooted to the spot. What is he doing in San Diego? I haven’t seen or heard from him since the day he sent me that shitty text that thankfully changed my life, so to run into him, literally, makes my heart flutter and hurt at the same time.

  This boy wasn’t just my best friend for a huge chunk of my life, but I also had a major crush on him from the second we met, and the feelings came rushing back to me in an instant. Ryan is still as gorgeous now as he was when we were younger, but he now looks very much like a man who just walked out of a magazine.

  His surfer boy hairstyle is now gone, but his shorter hair still looks good on him. With the lack of hair, attention is now instantly drawn to his familiar bright baby blues. His eyes are such a different shade of blue that it always made most women, and even some men, catch their breath to look into them.

  He finally stands up and that’s when I notice that he still has that deep tan but his body is much more toned than it was when we were in high school and he played on the football team. He shakes his head again, as if trying to clear it, and then squints at me like he isn’t sure it’s me at all.

  I look down to do a quick check of myself and see if my simple light pink sundress is still in place and pul
l my white cardigan closed. I look down to my white Toms shoes and shuffle my feet a few times, but notice that everything looks okay, so I reluctantly shift my gaze back up to him.

  Finally, after what seems like an eternity, he speaks. “Holy shit! Brynn? Is that really you? I haven’t seen you in years!” Ryan stands up and quickly takes the three large steps over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

  With me only standing at five and a half feet, his six foot three inches easily allows him to drop his chin on my head like he always did when we were younger. I remember how much I loved that he was so much taller than me; it always made me feel safer somehow and that feeling comes back instantly.

  “Wow, you’re still as thin as you were in high school! Put some meat on those bones, girl”, he jokes. Feeling a slight zing through my body from his touch, I drop my arms from his shoulders and step out of his hold, shrug and say with a tight smile, “Well, I must still have a high metabolism. I still eat like I did in high school.”

  It was true, too. In high school, I ate everything in sight. I must have had the best metabolism in the world, because with the way I ate, I should have weighed a lot more than I did.

  “That’s awesome, Brynnie. You still look great. What’s been going on with you?” he asks, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. All I can do for a minute is smile and remind myself that he doesn’t know me at all anymore.

  He doesn’t know that I just ran a marathon the week before, or that I am training for my third triathlon in three weeks. The last time we actually saw each other was on my front porch the day he temporarily dismissed me and I told him to kiss my ass.

  I try to count how many times I have told myself not to think about how much I miss him and wish he was with me. I try not to think about how many men I compared to him.

  Then, I think of Amber and wonder how they are doing together. How many kids do they have? Has Amber made Ryan get rid of any other people in his life that she just doesn’t like? Amber hated me from the second she met me because I was best friends with Ryan and did everything with him, so she tried to rub it in my face that he was her family now, not mine, when he told me that she was pregnant.