Feel My Love Read online

  Drew just shakes his head, his long brown hair getting in his eyes, and says “I got sucker punched by some asshole when he thought I slept with his bitch.” Tommy’s lips turn up into a smirk and he questions “Well Drew, did you sleep with his bitch?”

  I narrow my eyes at the back of Drew’s head, hoping it would spontaneously combust when he pushes his hair away from his eyes and says “Yeah, I slept with her, but she didn’t belong to that douche bag when I did.” I shake my head and go back to tuning my ukulele, ignoring Drew.

  A few hours into our night, I see Ryan walk through the door to the outdoor bar and I smile at him. He smiles back, knowing that I see him, and then puckers his lips at me like he’s going to kiss me. A few minutes later, I think that Drew see’s Ryan at the bar because I hear a loud “FUCK” come from behind me while I’m singing “Love Shack” by the B-52’s with Tommy.

  There are no other problems throughout the night other than Drew speeding up the tempo of a few songs and causing the rest of us to lose our beat momentarily. Normally, when it comes to the last song of the night, I play it by myself and let the other band members get out before the crowd of the club overtakes the exits, so I decide to sit down at my piano.

  “This last song of the night” I say pressing a few keys to find my starting notes “is a pretty little ditty by a very talented girl named Sara Bareilles called “Gravity”. Hope you like it.” I close my eyes while I sing and play the piano, feeling every note and putting all of my emotion into the song. When I finish, I finally hear people cheering and whistling, then shuffling either to the bar or out of the door. One of the bartenders turns on some radio tunes, since the bar is open another hour after the band finishes playing.

  I turn my head and see Ryan with a big smile, standing at the bottom of the steps, waiting for me to come down from the stage. I stand and make my way to the end of the stage and practically jump into his arms; he’s so stunned, he almost doesn’t catch me. Ryan laughs and then gives me a quick peck on the lips.

  “Wow baby. What got into you tonight?” he says. “Well, hopefully you’ll be getting into me tonight” I say, winking at him and giving him a sly smile. Ryan just groans and tightens his grip on my waist.

  On our way out, I turn and give a small wave to Kara who’s standing behind the bar. She looks confused, but then smiles when she sees that I’m happy to be with Ryan. Even though I told her how much he hurt me when I left home, she also knew just how much I had loved him and wished I could have been with him. I’ve told her on more than one occasion that I stopped dating other men because they just weren’t Ryan, and Kara never judged me for it. She just told me I was a hopeless romantic and that one day I would find what I was looking for. Today was that day, I guess.

  Ryan and I walked home slowly, holding hands and talking about how our days had gone while we were apart. “You know, you have an amazing singing voice, Brynn. Have you ever thought of just singing for a living?” Ryan asked. “You mean like working for a record label and making CD’s?” I say while I’m looking at the sidewalk while we head to my house; Ryan just nods.

  “Well, I’ve had a few different people from pretty well known record labels approach me and ask me to come and sing for them, but as much as touring the world while doing something I love should appeal, I like the idea of having a home that I can come back to each night and relax, and I think that I would grow to hate singing if I were singing the same songs all the time and traveling constantly. I like where my life is at right now and I’m not looking to change that any time soon.”

  I look over to Ryan and notice that his brows are pulled together and he looks a bit sad. “What’s the matter?” I ask.

  “Uh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He gives me a half smile and then looks down at the ground.

  I can see by the look on his face right now that he’s worried about where we are going to go with this new relationship since we live in two different states, but I’m not sure I want to talk about it right now, either. We’re finally connecting again, and getting into a fight about how this will work isn’t what either of us needs right now.

  We walk through my front door and before I can even fully push the front door closed, Ryan picks me up, gripping his hands around the tops of my thighs so I can wrap my legs around his waist, and pushes my back against the wall.

  His face is next to mine, our foreheads touching, but he’s not kissing me; just looking into my eyes with love and peacefulness in his own eyes shining back at me. “I love you, Brynnie. I want to make sure that you know just how much I love you.”

  I open my mouth to tell him that I love him too, but he takes the opportunity to slam his lips into mine and kiss me furiously. His fingers tighten on my thighs and then move up to squeeze my ass. I groan and close my eyes while Ryan is grinding against me. The friction from his jeans and my shorts feels amazing, but I want more from him.

  “I need you inside me right now” I say, leaning into his ear. He doesn’t answer, but one hand leaves my thigh and I hear a zipper being pulled down, then his pants falling to the floor and then Ryan is swiftly putting my feet on the ground and undoing my shorts. He makes short work of removing my shorts and panties and as quickly as he put me down he’s picking me back up and placing my back against the wall again.

  He uses all of his lower body strength to keep me pinned against the wall while he leans his torso away from me to rip off his shirt and then mine.

  With his hands back on my ass, he lowers my body and slides himself into me. For a moment neither of us moves, we just sit still and stare into each other’s eyes. Finally, I start to lift myself and we both get into a rhythm. It starts off slow and loving, but after our kisses get quicker and rougher, our movements follow; me grinding down on him and smiling when he groans.

  I feel my body tighten and then I explode, screaming Ryan’s name and clutching to his neck. I feel Ryan pump into me a few more times, then go rigid and grunt before he whispers my name. Instead of putting me onto the ground, he walks the few steps over to the couch and sits down, with me straddling him, while we catch our breath. I finally pull my head off of his shoulder and look into his eyes and say “I love you, too.”

  Chapter 18

  Ryan

  I can’t wipe this stupid smile off of my face. She just told me she loves me. That’s even better than when my girls tell me that they love me because they’re stuck with me and I know I’ll always have them.

  Brynn doesn’t have to love me and she still does for some reason. I’m really scared to see what’s going to happen to us when I have to go back home in two days because I want Brynn to be with me forever. The way she said she didn’t want anything in her life to change on the way home made me think that she only wanted this thing to last while I was here, and then when I went home we would end and she’d go on with her life.

  But she told me she loved me, too. Maybe that means we have a shot even after I leave and we go back to our daily lives. These thoughts are starting to make me jittery and I need a shift in my brain, so I look around the room for something to talk about and notice a guitar next to a small keyboard in the corner by her bookshelves.

  “Will you play me something?” I ask. Brynn’s eyebrows crinkle together, but she must not think too much of it because she says “What do you want to hear?” I smile, knowing I’m in for a treat “I don’t know, surprise me.”

  She smiles at me, stands up and strolls over, still naked, to grab her guitar. She turns before coming back to the couch, and flips on the living room light and then grabs two water bottles out of the fridge, then walks back to me.

  She places both of the water bottles on the coffee table, pulls her pick out of the strings, and then strums her guitar a few times and hums. Finally, she sits in front of me on the coffee table with her legs between mine, smiles and says “I know what I’m going to play.”

  “What? Don’t keep me in suspense.” I grin, while she’s still strumming on the strings, s
earching for the right chord. She doesn’t tell me the song she’s going to play, just shakes her head and smiles. Finally, the first few notes are played, and I instantly smile wider, knowing what she’s playing.

  “When I Come Around” by Green Day was my favorite song when we were in high school. I played it way too many times and Brynn hated that song by the time we graduated.

  When she finishes, I clap a few times and chuckle. “Very good, Brynnie, but I thought you hated that song.”

  “Oh, I do, with a passion” she scoffs, then laughs and clarifies “but, the guy I took guitar lessons from in college was a huge Green Day fan, and that was one of the first songs he taught us to play. I hate that song even more now.”

  I laugh and rub my hands along the outside of her thighs. Her beautiful blue eyes are shining at me while she smiles. “Can you play me something else; maybe on the keyboard? I always loved watching you play when we were younger” I say.

  She was always so good when she played. Her mom forced her to learn the piano when we were in fifth grade and it was the only thing that her mom made her do that she never complained about. I always knew she loved music, and now it’s very evident with her night job.

  Brynn shrugs and walks over to the wall and props her guitar on the stand before she brings her keyboard toward me and places it on her lap.

  Brynn closes her eyes and starts to play a beautiful melody. When she starts to sing, I know exactly which song it is.

  “Make you feel my love” was Brynn’s favorite song when we were younger. She put this song on a CD she burned for me when we were in high school, and every time we got into my car, she would put that CD in and skip straight to this song.

  I always thought it was because she loved this song, but thinking back to what Becca told me yesterday about how Brynn felt about me in high school, maybe she was trying to tell me something and I was too stupid to notice it.

  I wonder if I should tell her that I played this song for my girls all the time when they were younger and they still listen to it all the time.

  I watch Brynn play the song effortlessly, still naked and her eyes still closed, and when she comes to the end of the song a tear runs down her cheek. I catch it with my thumb and take her keyboard from her, placing it on the coffee table. I grab her thighs and pull them toward me, trying to get her to look at me. “What’s the matter, baby? Why are you crying?”

  Chapter 19

  Brynn

  I don’t want to tell him that the song makes me cry because, even though he’s here with me now, I played it constantly during high school and even in college, wishing that he would know how much he meant to me and actually want to be with me.

  That was one song I always poured everything I had into because it held so much meaning for me. “I’m okay” I say, opening my eyes, wiping at my cheek and taking a deep breath so I can stop looking like such a big baby. “I have just always loved that song. It really means a lot to me.”

  Ryan’s mouth pulls up on the side and he rubs his hand up and down my arm, then he says “I know that song means a lot to you. I never told you this, but when you weren’t in my car in high school, I used to put that CD in that you made for me and listen to that song because it reminded me of you. I still do it to this day. I actually think that’s the CD that’s in my car’s player right now. My girls love that song, too. They make me play it all the time.” I smile at him. Smart girls.

  Playing that song mentally exhausted me and now I’m ready to lie down and relax. I look up at Ryan and say “Are you ready to go to bed? I’m tired.” He just nods and stands up, stretches his arm out for my hand and pulls me up.

  I follow him into my bedroom, and lay down next to him on my bed. As soon as we both get comfortable, my head on Ryan’s shoulder and our legs tangled together, Ryan pulls the blanket up around our shoulders and then wraps his arms around me.

  All day it’s been driving me crazy that I haven’t told him about my family. I keep thinking that if we’re actually going to make this thing work, he has to know about what happened between my parents and me. I’m sure he still sees my parents and maybe even my sister around town and I don’t want things to be awkward for him when he goes back home.

  “Uh, Ry?” I say, wondering how I’m going to tell him about this. “Yeah baby?” he says, smoothing my hair off of my forehead and kissing it. Here goes nothing.

  “I know we just started this whole thing yesterday, but if we’re going to be together, I don’t want any secrets between us.” I tilt my head so I can look into his eyes and I notice that he has his brows pulled in and he is frozen.

  “What are you talking about, Brynn? I swear to God, if you fucking tell me that you are married or you have a boyfriend I’m going to-“

  “No, no Ryan” I cut him off and his body relaxes. I laugh and clarify “I’m not married and I’m not with anyone but you, but I have to tell you the truth about my family.” His voice cracks a bit when he says “Okay.”

  I nod a few times, wondering how I’m actually going to say it, but figure it’s better to just get it all out. “Okay, you know when I was at home and all they wanted from me was to get married and have a litter of kids for them to play with?” Ryan just looks down at me and nods.

  I take a deep breath and continue “Well, when I told them that it wasn’t what I wanted and that I was going to finish school, they freaked out. I told them that I broke up with Jake because I found out he was cheating on me, and instead of telling me that I made the right decision, my mom actually called Jake and begged him to take me back.

  “She told me she thought I was being childish and selfish; that Jake was a good man and I shouldn’t break up with him because he made one mistake. Of course she was drunk at the time, but she still thought I was the one who was wrong.”

  I just shake my head, recalling my mom on the phone with Jake, sobbing and apologizing for me being so stupid.

  “So, I told them that I had applied to different out of town schools and that I wanted to experience life without being chained to a family yet. My father was livid; told me that my role as a woman was to get married and have children, not to finish school and work in some fancy office.

  “After three hours of listening to them scream at me and call me every belittling name under the sun, I gave up and figured avoiding them would be best until I heard back from some of the schools I’d applied to. When I got the letter from SDSU a few weeks later saying that I was accepted and was getting a full ride scholarship, I told my parents and they told me in so many words that if I decided to leave, not to bother coming back. They disowned me.”

  My bedroom is quiet and I think that my story has put Ryan to sleep, but then he clears his throat and says in a low, grumbled voice “Are you fucking kidding me, Brynn? They disowned you because you wanted a better life for yourself before you started a family? And because you didn’t want to marry a cheating asshole?”

  All I can do is nod; I know if I speak I will start crying. I feel Ryan tighten his arms around me and kiss the top of my head. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wish there was something I could have done for you back then. So, did you stay through the summer and then leave?”

  I shake my head and clear my throat. “No, I packed up most of my clothes and grabbed the savings I had, hugged Becca goodbye, and got in my car. Luckily it was in my name, or my parents would have found a way to keep it. I came down to San Diego two months before the semester started and got a job as a waitress and lived in a hotel. I knew that I’d be living in the dorms on campus and it didn’t make sense to rent an apartment for a few months and then break a lease.”

  I breathe a deep sigh, feeling so much better about getting that off my chest. Then I wonder if Ryan ever talks to my family. I know the town is small and everyone talks, so I thought he would have heard about the Harris family downsizing from two daughters to one.

  “Damn it, Brynn, I’m sorry. I wish I would have known about this.” Ryan says loosening the d
eath grip he has on my shoulders.

  “It’s okay Ryan; I just wanted to tell you the truth. I wasn’t missing from Becca’s wedding because I had something come up at work; it was because my parents told Becca that if I were there, they wouldn’t help her and Tyler pay for any of it, and they were young. Neither of them had a lot of money, but they didn’t want to get married in someone’s backyard so I told Becca I would stay away and let her have the beautiful wedding she deserved. It’s not her fault that my parents want nothing to do with me and I didn’t want them to punish her for it.”

  “So, do you still talk to Becca at all?” Ryan asks, sounding a bit nervous.

  “Yeah, I call every once in a while and try to video chat at least once a month so that I can talk to Milo. Even though I’m not allowed back home, Becca hides it from my parents and lets me talk to Milo, and it’s nice to know that he can put a face to his Aunt Brynnie. I send him gifts and Becca flowers every couple of weeks.”

  I sit for a few minutes waiting for Ryan to say something, but he doesn’t, so I decide I need to cut through the silence. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I figured you still see my family around town or whatever and I didn’t want you to think it was weird when they blow you off if they find out we’re dating. They don’t give a shit what I’m doing and it would be safe to say that if you told them you were with me, they would tell you to save yourself the trouble and run in the other direction.”

  Ryan kisses my forehead and then shifts so that he’s looking into my eyes. “I could never, ever run in the other direction from you, Brynn. You are what I have wanted my entire life. If they ever say a negative word about you to me, they will get an ear full about how wonderful their daughter is and how fucking stupid they are for tossing you out of their lives like they did. I might even let my girls go egg your parents’ house while they sleep.” Ryan waggles his eyebrows at me and it makes me laugh.